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Beeroscopes April 2017

cat stealing pizza

Spring has sprung, and seems to have knocked over quite a few metaphysically important things on the way. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): An playful hip check escalates your family egg hunt from a lighthearted game to a no-holds-barred, full contact battle royale across your aunt’s lawn and into the street. You come in second, but avoid the police blotter of the local paper.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): After months of reading about new spring fashions, you decide the time is ripe for a wardrobe change. No one compliments your new koozie, but you feel springier.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): In a flash of brilliance, you discover that gin and tonics ease your pollen allergy and let you get to sleep. In a burst of stupidity, you show up hungover to work.

Cancer (June 21- July 20): Mercury in your third house makes it difficult to focus on passion projects. It also earns you a hefty repair bill and gets you audited by the IRS.

Leo (July 21- August 20): Some karmic chips have clearly been cashed, and you’re in for a month of good fortune. Better store it up while you can.

Virgo (August 21- September 20): The first wedding of the season takes on a sobering edge when you realize your winter weight makes it impossible to carry a subtle flask in your suit pocket.

Libra (September 21- October 20): You have finally reached the age where the Spring Break Paradox inverts: later vacations decrease Instagram likes, but also decrease drink prices.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): You could blame seasonal allergies, but trust us: the fates themselves are dead against you. Avoid pastels, medium rare steak, and gas stations.

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): A winter of moderate eating and drinking and steady exercise pays off when you watch your goofy friend try and fail to stuff a subtle flask in their suit pocket before a wedding. Don’t gloat; do “borrow” said flask for the ceremony.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20): An honest miscommunication ends in your unfortunately well-publicized arrest after you misinterpret the first “outdoor bottomless brunch” of the season.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Warmer weather inspires you to expand the “bubble” you’re willing to travel within for a date. Three subway transfers and fourteen mysterious odors later, you cinch the bubble down to half its previous size.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): Your spring cleaning bout could net you some serious cash at the local bottle return. You know this, but will choose to re-watch The Office instead of making the trip.

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