As this nightmare of a year winds down, the stars are cracking their heavenly knuckles and getting down to business on your fates. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Your holiday spirit will be dented when your light-up ugly sweater is transformed into a wearable shock chamber thanks to a spilled eggnog and a frayed wire at your office party. Get well soon.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): ‘Tis the season for imperial stouts, sure. ‘Tis not the season to smuggle those stouts onto the Santa Claus line at your local mall and throw up on his rental suit.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You will be shockingly unprepared for the first really cold winter’s day not due to the planets, but your own stubbornness. And the stars, but mostly it’s your fault.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): Consider this month your gift from the heavens, and enjoy the blessings of the season. But in the new year, watch out.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Despite your pleading, no one will believe it wasn’t your homemade eggnog’s fault that your coworker ended up in the hospital. Maybe bring a dip next year.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): Don’t think of it as being too late to shop. Think of it as being early to coming up with an excuse about shipping companies these days.
Libra (September 21- October 20): In this frantic season, take the time out to appreciate the stark beauty of winter, the glow of nostalgia, and the sense of hope running through you. Just don’t take too long or you’ll get mugged.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Ho, ho, oh no. The stars have it out for you and your merrymaking this season. Avoid tinsel, reindeer mugs, and shaved nutmeg.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): Your yearly campaign to end your awkward office party notches its first casualty thanks to your keen eye for improperly wired ugly sweaters. Maybe just stay home next year.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): The stars are just as excited as you are for the new Star Wars movie. But if you put spoilers into the universe or online, they’ll drop an asteroid on you.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): As midnight approaches on New Year’s Eve and your fellow partiers start to pair off for the big kiss, remember you have a partner that’s never let you down: beer. Hey, stop crying.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): The stars also heard your new romantic partner call the two of you, “nothing too serious.” But the stars would absolutely be ready with a gift just in case.Back to all blog posts