New year, same gaping celestial void. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Upon reviewing the charts, it is clear that it is whiskey season. Do not point out that last season was also whiskey season, or we’ll take whiskey season away.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): It may feel a little early to worry about Valentine’s Day, but the stars have noticed a serious uptick in prayers from your parents’ house. At least call them more often.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): At the darkest, coldest time of the year, the heavens remind you: everyone else at the bar has the same black coat. Wear something else.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): The stars can be your guide, but the stars cannot be your spotter. Don’t be “that person” at the gym this month.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Dramatically tossing your phone aside is a great way to wrap up another frustrating session of swiping through dating apps on the couch. Dramatically tossing your phone into a river with a howl of anguish is understandable, but expensive.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): Amidst the calamity, you’ve somehow landed on the good side of the fates. Enjoy it while you can.
Libra (September 21- October 20): Non-resolutioners, remember the wisdom of your forebears: Those who will be rookies in the gym in January will be rookies in the bar in February. Enjoy this respite while it lasts.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): An old flame will get in touch, piquing your interest and reminding you of what could have been. You will buy a set of knives from them.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): A celestial refresh has landed a truly awful month on your doorstep. Avoid tulip pints, frisbees, and doorsteps.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): This is not the right place to discuss your feelings on re-watching Star Wars. Try again later.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Your goal of stepping up your dating life will stall early when both your Tinder matches and the outside temperature hover in the single digits.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): Your resolutions aren’t doomed because the stars say so. Your resolutions are doomed because the gym smells like cheese.Back to all blog posts