As the nights get longer, the stars have more time to mess with your fortunes. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Remember, Aries, difficult traffic is a perfectly acceptable reason to miss troublesome family festivities. The best time to remember this is before you leave in the first place.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): To put it in holiday terms, the only creatures with tougher Novembers ahead than you are turkeys. Avoid serving forks, dill pickles, and flavored whiskies.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Allow the stars to save you some time: your pumpkin pie will not taste better with pumpkin beer poured on top. Your favorite sweater will be the true victim.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): As you lie awake at night wondering what it all means, do not heed the small voice that says, “Black Friday doorbuster deals.”
Leo (July 21- August 20): Due to an unlucky positioning of Pluto, the first holiday lyric you hear while grocery shopping will be stuck in your head for the rest of the season. The stars strongly advise you to order in.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): No, it’s never too late in the month to eat some hoarded Halloween candy. Yes, it is too late to bring it up in casual conversation.
Libra (September 21- October 20): Oddly enough, the celestial bodies have nothing slated for you this month. Double check your existence before you leave the house.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Remember, dear Scorpio: “Scorpio Season” is no reason to be a jerk. If you’re a jerk anyway, good luck.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): As you thread your way through the conversational minefield of Thanksgiving dinner, remember that one metaphorical hill is worth dying on: fresh vs. canned cranberry sauce.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Through some cosmic chance, positivity imbues your activities this month. Stock up while you can, and enjoy at least one holiday this year.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Visiting your hometown bar on Thanksgiving will result in a troublesome hangover, but you’ll have more fun than you expected. Staying home will make your Thanksgiving brighter, but you won’t be able to shake the feeling that you’re entering the back half of your life. Choose wisely.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): The stars would like to gently remind you not to be the sort of person who live-tweets family arguments. Mars would like to urge you not to keep it out of the group text.Back to all blog posts