In these seasons of questionably ugly sweaters and eggnog of uncertain strength, much is unknown. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): As the leaves change and days shorten, so too must you give in to the change of seasons: drink that last summer ale in the fridge and get over it.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Through some twist, the fates have smiled upon you this month. Hoard the good times while they last.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Be careful in your seasonal brunch plans, dear Gemini; Apple Jacks are an all-ages cereal, but applejack will sneak up on you.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): A good, strong pumpkin beer can be a welcome addition to your Thanksgiving dessert, but pouring a good, strong pumpkin beer over your Thanksgiving dessert is a clear cry for help.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Your Thanksgiving Eve holds the promise of sticky floors, overpriced well drinks, and at least one ill-advised run in with an old teacher in your hometown bar. The stars didn’t really have to check on this one.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): Be wary, single Virgos: cuffing season is passed, but sweater weather is here. If you don’t know what these things are, breathe easily: danger has passed you by.
Libra (September 21- October 20): The next time Netflix interrupts to ask if you’re still watching, don’t think of it as judgement. Think of it as a chance to go to the bathroom and grab another beer.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and recall the wisdom of your guiding stars: “Scorpio season” is not an excuse to be a jerk.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): A date at a bar with barleywine on special will spiral into a marathon meme-sharing session. This will either end in complete estrangement or a happy marriage– good luck!
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Generous Jupiter enters your second house, inspiring you to skip buying one of those $200 boozy advent calendars in favor of buying $185.80 on beer and liquor and $14.20 on a regular calendar. Well done.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): The heavens hold a pretty dismal view of your next month. Avoid fancy glassware, fresh cranberry sauce, and conflict.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): The stars will not judge you for the cinnamon sugar rim. Plenty of other things, sure. But if you like the rim, get it.Back to all blog posts