It’s a spooky month, and it looks like the stars have conspired to scare you even further. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): You will be unceremoniously ejected from a Halloween party at your local museum for mistaking a skull from their anthropology collection for a whimsical drinking vessel.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): The changing foliage will remind you deeply of the fleeting nature of time itself, and you will wander briefly on the path of existential dread. Buy a new sweater and a cup of coffee, and it will pass.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): It appears that the stars have agreed to channel their negative energy entirely your way this month. Avoid ceramic cabinet handles, silver dollars, and fake cobwebs.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): Your painstakingly planned magick ritual for All Hallow’s Eve will go awry when some jerk dirties up the skull you planned to steal from the local museum with their beer. Better luck next year.
Leo (July 21- August 20): You will feel as old as the cosmos themselves when you have to Google “cuffing season.” You will, however, feel better once you realize the whole concept is utterly bonkers.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): Listen carefully to the wisdom of Jupiter: a “clever” t-shirt does not count as a costume.
Libra (September 21- October 20): You will briefly emerge from a centuries-long slumber to the distinct feeling that someone is pouring your brain down your spine. You will briefly feel very drunk, then know nothing once more.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): The fates appear to be smiling upon you for this month. Reap your benefits while you can, and don’t bother hoarding your Halloween candy.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): As the Sun rides lower each day, apple picking returns drop off later in the season. On the plus side, you’ll be the only one on line for cider donuts.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Recall the advice of Venus: if you have to ask yourself if a costume is offensive, it is. Move on.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Friday the Thirteenth will spike your sense of paranoia, but fear not: you’re too clumsy for bad luck to really have an effect.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): A slightly misjudged counter edge will remind you that the start of stout season is also the start of stain removal season.Back to all blog posts