If you thought the heavens had your best interests at heart, think again. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Fear not the invitation to go apple picking, dear Aries. The lines are long, but the cider is wonderful as long as someone else is driving.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): The stars shiver when they see what the month ahead has in store for you. Avoid tape measures, home aquariums, and anyone wearing the color blue.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): It’s not the fact that you put up early Halloween decorations, the police explain. It’s the fact that you passed out on the lawn after draining your homemade pumpkin keg.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): It is not the work of some cosmic trickster that slows your commute to a crawl this month. It’s just the back-to-school crowd.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Your decision to only drink out of a stein this month will take a nasty turn when you decide to crack open a barleywine by yourself. Sleep well, and find a smaller glass.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): The stars have heard your question, and agree with everyone else: you look pretty dumb in lederhosen.
Libra (September 21- October 20): You will completely mistime breaking out your favorite flannel and visibly overheat to the point where strangers attempt to help. Again.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): The first crunchy leaves underfoot will trigger a landslide of existential despair that will make you late to work. This is entirely your fault, but feel free to blame Saturn or whatever.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): Fortunes smile on you this month, and all your ventures seem blessed. Better get in while the getting is good.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Homecoming could reconnect you with an old friend, or lead to a drunken clash with your ex at your old freshman bar. Do not confuse the two.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Waking up early is a great way to deal with the shorter days of autumn. Spending that time wistfully scrolling through Facebook memories of your early college days will make the nights that much darker.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): A thoughtfully planned apple-picking trip will be thwarted when it turns out everyone pregamed the trip thinking someone else would drive. Adjourn to a local park and pretend it counts.Back to all blog posts