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A Beer for However You Deal With Valentine’s Day

adventure time i love you everything burrito

Love comes in many forms. Valentine’s Day gives us a chance to celebrate the love in our lives, be that in a loving relationship, a family, or just among friends. By this point, most people reading this think I’m an insufferable sap with a soft spot for overpriced greeting cards. Yeah, I know.

Listen up, dear reader. I, your fearless author, am so single that I’m almost zero. I’ve had more sad dates than a funeral home. But I’m damned if an opportunity for a good meal out and discounted flowers (hint: buy anything but roses) is going to slip by me out of my deep resentment for card companies and utter hatred for people who block sidewalks by holding hands.

By all means, hate Valentine’s Day. Or love it. But don’t waste it. Valentine’s Day is an awkward, unfortunate fact of life, like going to the dentist or getting picked on in middle school. You have to make it work for you.

can you dig it

As my gift to you this Valentine’s Day, I’m picking out the beer you need to best match your attitude towards the holiday. Don’t thank me, and definitely don’t send me a card. But think of me when you’re out there buying yourself flowers. I’ll be doing the same thing on my way to the liquor store.

The True Romantic

exciting things are happening

Your Plans: Everything is falling into place. You called months ago to nail down reservations at the restaurant you went to for your first date. Flowers are arranged, thoughtful gifts are wrapped, and you’ve got your cleanest set of lucky underwear on. Well done, you. Now quit blocking the sidewalk.
The Beer: Brooklyn Local 1The bottle is beautiful, the beer is delicious, and it’s big enough to share. Plus, it’s strong enough to soothe your last-minute jitters.

The Kind-Of-Relationship

zoolander hansel i dont know what im doing today

Your Plans: Turns out, “I don’t do much for Valentine’s Day,” still means you have to do something. Now you’re stuck cobbling together plans for this person who you think you like, but is it, like like? Is that still how this is measured? You found a cool art exhibit to go to together, but it was only because Deadpool was sold out and you’re afraid they’ll know. Are you blowing it? Does it even matter if you blow it? Oh, God, they’re not texting back!
The Beer: Brooklyn Lager. Easy does it, tiger. Take a sip and pull yourself together. Confidence is key. But maybe drink out of a can– you’re shaking too much to be trusted with glass.

Single and Loving It

zoolander walkoff shimmy

Your Plans: You’re going OUT, baby. You and some of your coolest friends are going to barhop across this city and show folks what a good time looks like. You’re going dancing, you’re meeting people, you’re painting the town red (figuratively, of course, you scamp!) It’s a wonderful night, soaked through with possibility, and it’s yours for the taking. All you have to do is not remember whatstheirname and…oh.
The Beer: Defender IPA. Delicious and intriguing. And it’ll protect you from your emotions.

Single and Hating It

great gatsby tobey maguire roaring drunk

Your Plans: You’re bitter, or you’re sad, or you just really, really hate card companies. Maybe you’re watching horror movies with your friends. Perhaps you’re hunting through your trove of dating apps for someone else in similarly dire straits. If you’re a really hard case, you’re posting about your time alone on Facebook. Whatever you’re doing, you’re mad as hell at the lovey-dovey world, and SOMEONE is going to hear about it.
The Beer: BLAST! If you’re going to be bitter, then go forth and be bitter! But for the good of you and literally any romantic possibilities in your future, keep your rage offline.

Making It Work For You

Darth Vader carnival ride

Your Plans: You’re taking advantage of the situation, regardless of relationship status or cynical nature. Yes, you want the two-for-one appetizers. No, you’re not putting down that much money for roses. Yes, you’re a relatively happy, well-adjusted person, and the world could use more people like you in it.
The Beer: Whatever you want. You figured everything else out fine. Go forth and be mighty.

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