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Brooklyn Zodiac horoscope wheel

Beeroscopes April 2018

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During times like these the future can seem to be an inscrutable fog. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus and his mystical minions read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): You will wisely wait to open the beer can you dropped while loading the fridge. Somehow, you’ll still foolishly spill half of it on your shirt immediately after opening.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): You should certainly flaunt your early-season tan. You should not tell people that you got it through the window at work.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): It won’t be until the third or fourth smashed car that you realize that you have, once again, missed Coachella and ended up at a monster truck rally. Buy a hat.

Cancer (June 21- July 20): The stars will finally align and bring you and your soul mate to the same dive bar one magical night. Unfortunately, you will drive them away with your questionable jukebox choices.

Leo (July 21- August 20): Mercury may not be in retrograde, but it looks like you’re carrying over some serious bad luck. Avoid club sandwiches, stemless glassware, and wireless headphones.

Virgo (August 21- September 20): Yes, it’s going to snow again. No, it’s not specifically your fault, but the stars think you could still be trying a little harder.

Libra (September 21- October 20): You will be driven from an otherwise-cool dive bar by some jerk playing way too much obscure Krautrock. Save your quarters for a finer night.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Your patience in hoarding the last of last year’s summer beer will pay off when this year’s summer beer hits the shelves. Time to stock up again.

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): Fortune smiles upon you this month, but it’s a sneaky sort of smile. Enjoy the good times, but watch your back.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20): A snide remark by your cool friend will make you truly ponder the ramifications of the wording behind your “hip” flask. Ditch them and keep the flask.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20): You will inexplicably receive a royalty check for a German-sounding song you don’t recall owning the rights to. Head to the bar and pay it forward in the jukebox.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): Saturn moves into the fifth house, which results in your roommate spilling stout on third and final clean couch cushion. Jupiter recommends a slipcover.

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