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Beeroscopes August 2016

cinderella pizza dress

The world is in disarray, the stars are wandering, and your life is in shambles on a good day. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): A valuable lesson about pairing is heading your way. Unfortunately, it will involve a gallon of melted cheese, a delightful pale ale, and a mess all over your best outfit.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): The wonderful barbecue you put so much time into planning will take a dark turn when you discover someone drank all of your favorite saison while you were grilling. How could you possibly have run out?

Gemini (May 21-June 20): You will find your long-lost lucky bottle opener after finally purchasing a replacement. You will then lose both during a single camping trip.

Cancer (June 21- July 20): The beer you finally figured out a cross-country trade for will arrive in perfect shape. Unfortunately, you will stick it on your “special occasion” shelf and totally waste it.

Leo (July 21- August 20): You will celebrate the fading of your birthday hangover by going out and earning a significantly larger one. This isn’t the stars talking, just your dumb habits.

Virgo (August 21- September 20): You spend the entirety of your tiresome barbecue sneaking your good beers back into your stash, only to discover someone drank half of your best farmhouse ale. Is nothing sacred?

Libra (September 21- October 20): A political argument in a dark bar will devolve into answering a summons ticket in a brightly lit courtroom. You will only win one of these arguments; choose carefully.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Your dark, brooding nature finds a brief spark of light when you fish the last decent beer out of the cooler at your brother-in-law’s barbecue. Well found, dear Scorpio.

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): You will finally find the beer you’ve been trying to find on tap at a bar around the corner from your home, only to check in to the wrong listing on Untappd. No one will ever believe your story, but take heart, sweet Sagittarius: it’s because they just don’t care.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20): The cross-country trade you brokered to clean out your beer cellar will finally conclude with a well-drunk bottle and a reasonably worry-free move in to your new place. Please publish a book on how to cultivate luck.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20): You will cover the pain of your under-attended “half-birthday party” by eating an entire platter of nachos by yourself, taking a cab home, and falling asleep on the couch while watching Chopped. This will soothe you completely.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): The fledgling relationship you’ve done your best to keep from “moving too fast” will rapidly accelerate at a surprise family brunch. Be sure to steer the conversation away from politics, the weather, Game of Thrones, and the Pete Rose gambling scandal.

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