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Brooklyn Zodiac horoscope wheel

Beeroscopes August 2017

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In these chaotic times the future is hidden to all but our resident and totally legit medium. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): A light-hearted day on the water will turn into a survival scenario when it turns out you remembered the beer, but no one brought food. Designate a skipper and play it safe.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): Your summer fling/budding relationship will hit an unexpected stumbling block when your significant other turns out to be one of those people that gets excited about finding fall beers in midsummer.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)You might as well stop reading the news. Honestly, is it helping your day? The stars didn’t think so.

Cancer (June 21- July 20): There might have been some sort of mistake, but the stars claim you’ll have a perfectly ordinary month. That’s safe, at least.

Leo (July 21- August 20): A promising relationship will wither unexpectedly. Nonetheless, you will rebound thanks to an unexpected six-pack of pumpkin ale on your grocery store shelf.

Virgo (August 21- September 20)A baleful planet casts a shadow over the month ahead, and all you do is dangerous. Avoid Tupperware, wall-mounted bottle openers, and petting zoos.

Libra (September 21- October 20)No one minds a little bit of day drinking at the water park, you said. Yes we do, the police responded.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Mars, the red planet, cautions you to remember the first rule of inviting people to a last-minute weekend trip: invite friends you actually like.

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): People will definitely be impressed with your flawless beer-can chicken, hot off the grill. People will be less impressed if they found out you dropped it on the way to the table.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Remember to take some time to stare, slack-jawed and wondering, at the endless night sky. Also remember to apply bug spray before the slack-jawed stage.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20)A lucky celestial conjunction shines a light on your path ahead, at least for now. Enjoy your month of fortune, because it certainly won’t last.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): It is perfectly polite to applaud a particularly beautiful sunset. It is less acceptable when doing so inside a subway car.

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