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Beeroscopes February 2017

arrested development no touching

The world is in disarray, the stars are wandering, and your life is in shambles on a good day. With Valentine’s on the horizon, you’re going to need some help. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): The stars smile upon your fates, and the way through February is clear. It’s a short month, so enjoy it while you can.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): Your blind date takes an intriguing turn when you are literally blindfolded at the restaurant and abducted by aliens.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Remember, when your partner says they want a romance “like in The Notebook,” they are not looking to be angrily kissed in the rain. They’re looking for abs that can juice a lime.

Cancer (June 21- July 20): Despite months of very clear hinting, your dopey significant other will drag you to your same regular dive on to celebrate Valentine’s Day…three days late. You will fake a stomachache to go home early and not feel nearly as guilty as Venus thinks you should.

Leo (July 21- August 20): You love your bartender. Your bartender loves you. Keep the bar between yourselves and your relationship will bear fruit for many years.

Virgo (August 21- September 20): After years of marital bliss, it will turn out that you and your loved one are both government assassins, and…wait, no, you’ve fallen asleep with Mr. and Mrs. Smith on after coming home late from the bar again.

Libra (September 21- October 20): The fourth dating app you download doesn’t work any better than the first three, and the fifth beer doesn’t do you any more favors than the first two. Go home.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): The regular cashier at the liquor store will appreciate the handmade Valentine, but you’re still paying full price for that Scotch.

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): After a restful January, you will be pitched headlong into a celestial garbage heap for at least the month of February. Avoid Bingo Night, hairless cats, and trendy bakeries.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Months of planning lead to disappointment when your beloved significant other falls ill just as you were about to propose at your favorite bar on the anniversary of the first day you met. Bind your wounds, dear Capricorn.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Inspiration strikes as you attempt to fill every chocolate in one of those enormous heart boxes with booze. Instead, you get drunk off cherry cordial and burn the bajeezus out of your finger with a hot glue gun.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): Casual drinks with a Tinder match will turn into hours of deep, soul-stirring conversation that turn a regular weeknight into something extraordinary. You will never speak to them again because they don’t like sour ales. Good for you.

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