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Brooklyn Zodiac horoscope wheel

Beeroscopes February 2018

dog on turntable

As winter spins madly on, the stars themselves get a little seasick. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): It’s a perfect month for drinking chocolate stouts, but if you’re drinking one out of a recently emptied heart shaped chocolate box you may be covering a larger problem.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): If you look to the heavens for guidance in your love life, you have to expect the heavens to mess with you a little. It’s just fair game.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): We don’t know how you made them this mad, but the stars seem to be exacting revenge upon you this month. Avoid formal wear, schooner glasses, and narrow stairs.

Cancer (June 21- July 20): Bold Mars and sneaky dubbels will collude, leading you to text your ex at three in the morning. It’s up to you and long-suffering Venus to run damage control.

Leo (July 21- August 20): Yes, we know the dating app notifications estimating your odds at a match are depressing. No, we don’t need to hear more about it.

Virgo (August 21- September 20): Flirtatious Venus and deceptive pilsners will collude, leading to you answering a clearly problematic text from your ex at three in the morning. Somehow, this will lead to late brunch plans the next day.

Libra (September 21- October 20): A quiet beer bar is an excellent choice for a first date. The quiet beer bar where you go to complain about your love life is not.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): After weeks of searching, you’ll finally find that kellerbier you forgot the name of. Literally drink in your success.

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): There are two ways to deal with faulty heat in your apartment: complaining to the super, or shrugging on a beer blanket. Try both, but complain first.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20): The heavens smile down upon you. For now. Enjoy your good fortunes while they last, and good luck next month.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Your pleasant late brunch will be amusing thanks to the amorous couple reuniting at this next table. This amusement will run its course when they begin shouting at each other.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): You’re in luck: it is now officially late enough in the year that no one will ask about your resolution. Tuck those gym shoes into the back of your closet and go back to your shows.

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