Note to selves: never take directions from a crystal ball when you know the weekend subway schedule is in effect. Beeroscopes is back. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): The Sun entering your house means one thing for sure: you need to start wearing sunblock indoors.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): After months of your office being too hot, it will now be too cold. All signs point to you needing a new job.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Everyone will mock your decision to wear boots to the music festival until it rains. Then they’ll mock you for being a weather geek.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): Love is in the air for your first date at an outdoor beer garden. Unfortunately, that love is tree pollen, and now you’re “Sneezy” in another group chat.
Leo (July 21- August 20): A fortunate alignment brings good fortune to all your efforts this month. Enjoy the fleeting satisfaction, but beware the future.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): A rooftop party will take an exciting turn when you look out over the skyline and realize the party you’re supposed to be at is two buildings down.
Libra (September 21- October 20): Remember, hydration is important for a day on the water. Hydration via beer is fun, but doesn’t count.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Let an old backyard drinking idiom guide your summer partying: pilsners and shade, you’ve got it made. Barleywines and sun, better call 911.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): Your stars have no idea what “Gemini season” means either, but let them have it. The memes are pretty good.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): When selected for a wedding party, you can be one of two people: the person with the body temperature flask of liquor at the ceremony, or the person who brings a cooler of beer to share during photos. Choose wisely and plan carefully.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): You’ve clearly done something to offend the fates, and they’re out for you. Avoid pool noodles, spray adhesive, and Mr. Softee knockoffs.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): Recall the most important parts of Pride, dear Pisces: respect, community support, and history. And sunblock.Back to all blog posts