During times like these the future can seem to be an inscrutable fog. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus and his mystical minions read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): You’ll receive an unexpected windfall in the form of three coffee cans filled with coins, courtesy of your grandma. Count up those quarters and buy yourself a beer.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Disaster will strike when your bodega stops selling the potato chips you like. Likewise your subsequent sit-in protest will not go as smoothly as planned.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Venus is in the second house, bringing great strife. Calm down the spheres by playing the silky smooth music of Kenny G.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): As Mercury and Jupiter are in convergence, the perfect opportunity to get revenge on your nemesis will finally present itself. Stock up on plenty of spider eggs, superglue, and plausible deniability.
Leo (July 21- August 20): You should’ve started doing your taxes, like, weeks ago. Step to it and hope the IRS is merciful.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): The stars have aligned in a most unusual way this month, so take extra precaution and carry a second pair of pants with you wherever you go.
Libra (September 21- October 20): A blind date will end poorly after your date spends the entire evening complaining about how they have to walk three extra blocks to buy pizza-flavored Pringles. Unwind afterwards with a beer-flavored beer.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): I’d just stay in the house this month if I were you. Whatever you did to upset the stars worked–avoid dachshunds, microwaves, and early 2000′s R&B.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): Due to Saturn’s ascendance your weekly trivia team will finally take first place, but the happiness will be short-lived once your teammates start fighting over who takes home the gift card.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Your love life will finally receive a big boost when you successfully flirt with the charcuterie cutie who works at the butcher’s shop.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): This month you will find long-awaited recognition at the office when you finally get the raise you were promised last year. Celebrate with a fancy beer at a very fancy bar.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): Your usual sausage, egg & cheese will be delayed by some jerk protesting for their inalienable right to Pringles. Plan your morning accordingly.Back to all blog posts