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Beeroscopes May 2017

harry potter snape life isnt fair

The celestial spheres lately look more like spin art than star charts. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): Your first picnic of the season takes an unexpected turn when you finish the wine you were supposed to pack and fall asleep on the couch instead.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): Mercury is no longer in retrograde, which means you no longer have an excuse for your messy life. Start your new life with a beer run for luck.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): April showers bring May flowers, and May flowers bring an unexpected sneezing fit in the middle of a first date. Be sure to pay for their dry cleaning.

Cancer (June 21- July 20): In a much more literal effect of the stars than most horoscopes, you will manage to sustain a severe sunburn the first time you dare to wear shorts on a nice day.

Leo (July 21- August 20): With a helping hand from fickle Venus, you ruin the company happy hour using only a discreet flask and a previously buried story of your childhood.

Virgo (August 21- September 20): The secret to a good wedding outfit is to not out-dress the bride. The secret to affording all the wedding outfits you need is to say no to more wedding invitations.

Libra (September 21- October 20): Every now and then people get lucky, but you’re on a hot streak this month. Enjoy the good times, but remember to tuck some away for when the universe catches up with you.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): The question is not, “how bad could life be during Harry Potter weekend?” The question is, “how much worse can life get once you miss Harry Potter weekend?”

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): You are amazed to discover that while drinking gin, you can produce a hilarious British accent. You are even more amazed to realize your friends left you at the bar.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Your idea to make the client meeting a brunch is toasted by many breakfast cocktails, but goes totally off the rails when someone raises the debate of whether Eggs Benedict can be considered a sandwich.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Into all lives some rain must fall, but yours is weathering record floods. Hold on tight and avoid sidewalk chalk, steins, and landline telephones.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): You will encounter your one true soulmate while shopping for a Memorial Day Barbecue. Unfortunately, you will meet while physically fighting over hamburger buns and never see each other again.

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