During times like these the future spins and reels like the end of an errant scarf. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Festive party idea: carve a pumpkin to serve as a keg! Festive way to end up in the emergency room: attempt a pumpkin keg keg stand.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): When your team’s offensive line crumbles, your fantasy team falls apart, and all seems bleak, recall the true spirit of football season: beer and snacks.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Learn from your past, dear Gemini: drink out of the can when you’re watching horror movies, or the shower scene will put another stout stain on your couch.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): Just because Oktoberfest is in September doesn’t mean it’s not the perfect time for an Oktoberfest beer, but it still means you don’t need to bring it up with that superior tone of voice.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Your efforts have been mighty and your sacrifices great, but the stars are clear: you’re going apple picking, and you’re going to have to take a whole bunch of pictures while you’re at it.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): General spookiness aside, there’s a definite pallor over your fortunes this month. Avoid decorative spiderwebs, cinnamon rims, and spiral staircases.
Libra (September 21- October 20): Be prepared for the doubtful and the jealous, dear Libra. Trust in the guidance of the stars and tell the world: it is always koozie weather.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): You will realize your beer trading lifestyle has gone a step too far when you are tricked into a cellar and bricked up alive under the promise of fresh hazebombs.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): In a moment of good luck, there will be twenty dollars in the pocket of your lucky coat. In a moment of bad luck, it will fall out without you noticing as you dig for your keys.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): The heavens have smiled upon you this month like a cheerful jack o’ lantern. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): A planetary alignment and an ancient curse on your family unfortunately align to bring bad luck upon you. Fortunately, due to inflation, this means you’ll just nick your finger on a bent bottle cap and move on.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): The dating scene can be intimidating during “cuffing season,” but remember: you’ll always have beer. Let that motivate you however you see fit.Back to all blog posts