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Beeroscopes September 2016

brady bunch chewy

The world is in disarray, the stars are wandering, and your life is in shambles on a good day. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.

Aries (March 21- April 20): A great windfall is headed your way as you finally return an embarrassing number of empties to the local grocery store under the cover of darkness.

Taurus (April 21- May 20): After yet another fight about mustard, your significant other will finally leave you and your “stupid dry pretzels.” Your dry pretzel will taste bitter at first, but at least no one is tutting at you about condiments any more.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Success will visit you as you find the one fresh six-pack of IPA at your corner bodega. Failure will also visit when you discover “fresh” actually meant “recently dusted.”

Cancer (June 21- July 20): A new love fills you with contentment as the relationship with your regular bartender progresses from an awkward smile to an audible greeting. Remember to tip well.

Leo (July 21- August 20): The only stars in your favor this month are stenciled on tap handles. Avoid staircases, busy intersections, and fresh goat cheeses.

Virgo (August 21- September 20): After spending the entire month acting surprised every time you enter a bar “just in case” it’s a surprise party, you will embarrass yourself by weeping with joy over the office’s monthly birthday doughnuts.

Libra (September 21- October 20): You will have to stay late at your grocery store shift to clean out the recycling machines after some jerk fills them up three minutes before closing.

Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Contentment will visit you as you realize your old phone still works and you don’t have to choose between a phone with no headphone jack or a phone that literally explodes. You will continue to use this wonderful technology to order food and not date strangers.

Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): Your politically harmless bar banter is severely depleted now that it’s too mild outside to say, “It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.”

Capricorn (December 21- January 20):  A rare planetary alignment will result in your friends offering to be designated drivers every time you go out this month.

Aquarius (January 21- February 20): A local oompah band will mistake your yardwork clothes for traditional leiderhosen and invite you to join. The tuba will bring you a satisfaction you always craved, but only for one month a year.

Pisces (February 21- March 20): Last year’s light jacket will turn into this fall’s lung infection when you realize you left a bunch of beer-soaked bottle caps in the pocket before stashing it in your closet for the intervening seasons. Get well soon.

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