The world is in disarray, the stars are wandering, and your life is in shambles on a good day. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): A mistimed sneeze will send tomato soup all over you in the middle of a crowded happy hour bar. Your spirits will lift when this results in you winning the costume contest as “Carrie.”
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Your darling offspring will misunderstand your carefully carved pumpkin keg and turn it into a jack o’lantern with a suspicious rear orifice.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): A deep clean of your fridge will turn up a previously overlooked can of your favorite summer beer behind the mayonnaise. Play the lotto.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): You will find a beer you’ve been searching for, innocuously taking up corner space in a convenience store fridge. The beer will be excellent, and you will bore your friends to tears by retelling this story twice a week until 2017.
Leo (July 21- August 20): A previously unplumbed flood of existential despair will flow over you after you break in and call the cops over your neighbor’s noisy Halloween party. In your defense, it fell on a Monday this year and you have work tomorrow and every weekday for the rest of your life.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): The fates have clearly decided this isn’t your month. Stay away from open windows, bingo nights, and smoked porters.
Libra (September 21- October 20): The lame office drone from down the hall will call the cops on your Halloween party, but the night will be saved when the cops turn out to be content with you turning down the music. It’s not your fault Halloween is a Monday this year, after all.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): After several attempts, it will turn out that the anonymous HBO Go password you’ve been using has finally been changed. You will find a Pirates of the Caribbean movie on cable and make do with a fresh growler.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): A friend uncorking a lively bottle conditioned beer during The Exorcist will reveal that yes, you still scream like that.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Fortune will smile upon you as you successfully convince your friends to abandon apple picking to visit a nearby brewery. Fortune will also laugh impolitely when it turns out the brewery is closed for an employee apple picking party.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): You will attend your office Halloween party as the Duff Man, just as you have for the past three years. Surprisingly enough, you will win best costume for once.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): Brace yourself, Pisces: your patience will be tested when you encounter a store shelf holding a dusty summer six pack, a battered Oktoberfest, and, inexplicably, a holiday beer release, all side by side. It will be the warmest day of the month.Back to all blog posts